It is often said that there are no atheists in foxholes. This is undoubtedly true; what I find remarkable, however, is that there are no foxes in foxholes.
Interlude: Two French soldiers huddle in a foxhole.
Pierre: Any news from the front?
Jean-Claude: No. All is quiet on the western front.
Pierre: Any news from the back?
Jean-Claude: Quiet there too.
Pierre: Do we have any more croissants?
Jean-Claude: Let me check.
Pierre: Well?
Jean-Claude: Sacre bleu!
Pierre: What is it?
Jean-Claude: Foxes! A whole den of cute little baby foxes feasting on our croissants!
In unison: We surrender!
This, of course, never happened. French soldiers are known to have surrendered to marmosets, chinchillas and, in a particularly embarrassing incident, a small bit of dryer lint, but never to foxes.
I suggest, due to the absence of both atheists and foxes, that from now on we refer to holes dug for protection against an enemy in wartime "God-holes." In addition to being more technically accurate, this new appellation would also give rise to a renaissance in the area of battle-scene dialog writing:
"Get your head out of your God-hole and get me some ammo!"I guess you could use that last one with "foxhole" too. Still, just once I'd like to see somebody in a war movie do that pretend stairs thing. That gets me every time."You call that a God-hole? I've seen 90 year old grandmothers with better God-holes than that."
"Sarge, have you seen Private Sandusky pretend to walk down the stairs into his God-hole? It's hilarious."
It was, coincidentally, a Frenchman who said that there is a "God shaped hole" in each of us. (It was either Pascal or Sartre. Google and I aren't sure which one, but either way, he's French. I'm pretty sure you could attribute the quote to either of them at a party and appear equally snobbish and effete.)
Now if there's one thing the French know about, it's their holes. I wonder, in fact, if maybe that "God-shaped hole" line was misinterpreted. French is a notoriously difficult language to translate into English, particularly for Americans who don't want to learn French. Perhaps Pascartes' statement was not an abstract philosophical expression but rather a very literal admonition to the French people to do what they do best: Run and hide in a hole.
In this light, Pascartes can be seen as advising his countrymen to find the nearest hole and hide in it until the trouble passes. What trouble? you ask. Well, the heaviness of being, for one thing, not to mention the whole problem of never being able to get that damn rock up the hill. Oh sure, maybe the danger is all in my head, but what do I have to lose by hiding indefinitely in a hole? Surely far less than if I were to risk being crushed by a large rock.
Wow, all this philosophizing is making me hungry. I feel like I've got a hole in me the size of a fox.
4 comments:
In the Frenchmen's defense, I've known dryer lint that can take your head off, man.
to be "one" with the hole, in order to be whole, so to speak? that's deep. not as deep as a fox hole, mind you, but deep. neva
i wonder if Frenchmen really are as flaky as a croissant...
In the Frenchman's defense, those baby foxes might be rabid.
I didn't even read Mr. Fab's comment and see that he also defends the Frenchmen (and in re-reading mine, I see I have made mine singular).
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