For those of you who haven't heard yet, I've got some bad news: terrorists have blown up Pluto. I know it seems impossible, but I totally saw most of something about it on the news, and it's true. There is no longer a planet Pluto. No word on who is responsible yet, but I assure you there is no truth to the rumor that I was recently spotted in the vicinity by my very elderly mother.
Despite the lack of leads, the Bush administration has vowed swift and certain vengeance. I have it on good authority that they are working on a plan to attack Alderaan, on the grounds that Tantooine is too remote for an effective demonstration. Of course, there is no room for unilateralism in an interplanetary war. We'll need the help of Admiral Akbar, which means buttering up the Mon Calamari. Mmmmm.... Buttered calamari....
But I digress. We must not allow our jingoistic ferver to cloud the issue. This war, like all wars, will end some day. But no victory, no matter how distracting, will change the fact that from this day on, whenever you travel to Neptune and stare out at the cosmos, all you will see is Uranus.
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