Zipping Thru Town

Sometimes I'll be driving through a strange town and need to stop for gas. I put my credit card in the pump and it says "ENTER ZIP CODE." This irritates me. How would I know the freaking zip code? I'm new in town.

The locals always look at me funny when I ask them to tell me the zip code, because they're not big on cheating or whatever. Get off your high horses, people, I just need some petrol for the old coche. Usually they give me some bogus zip code that doesn't work, so I'm like "Thanks for NOTHING, jerkwad!" I hate townspeople.

Occasionally they'll give me a zip code that's like 9 digits long, and I'll be like, "NOT! Zip codes have 5 digits, smartass." A nine digit zip code, I'm sure. I was born in the early evening, but not last early evening, pal.

What really worries me is that pretty soon they might start asking what the state bird is, or the name of the local high school football mascot. I'll guess "PANTHERS" or something, and the gas pump will shoot flames at my head and townspeople with pitchforks will appear and poke me to death. Time to steal some more of those AAA guidebooks. Do AAA guidebooks list the local high school mascots? Maybe I'll write a series of guidebooks called Zipping Thru: What You Need to Know to Get Gas in Local Towns Across the U.S. and the Habitated Parts of Canada. A sample entry:

South Egypt, Kansas
ZIP Code: 62323
High school mascot: The Caustic Sphynxes
Sister City: Akimbo, Thailand
Mayor: His Hon. Skip "Skippy" Clinkenbeard
Best Place for an omelette: Denny's
Turn-Ons: Sherman Parkway
Turn-Offs: McKinley Ave & 4th St.

Man, I am going to make millions on this idea. What? Oh, my zip code. Yeah, that makes more sense. Nevermind.