Even a Traffic Whore Has Some Standards

I'm a traffic whore. I labor under the delusion that if some day my readers outnumber the teachers who wrote on my report cards "Not meeting his potential," my desperate hunger for approval will at last be sated. To this end, I occasionally submit my site to blog directories. I don't think this generates much traffic for me, but I figure it can't hurt, unless the blog directory is called "Blogs That You Should Never Visit Because They Are Hella Lame." And even then, I'd probably submit mine, because how much damage could it really do? Judging by the number of blog directories out there, somebody must be starting a new blog directory every time a Starbucks opens. Or maybe every time somebody orders a Venti Carmel Macchiatto. I think at this point there are more blog directories than blogs, and since every man, woman and child alive has 12 blogs, that's a lot of blog directories. Anyway, the other day I ran across a blog directory that didn't list my blog, let's call it Not Another Blog Directory. So I dutifully filled out the submission form and waited for the hit to come rolling in. Not long after, I received the following email:

Hello Quasimofo,

Your blog has not been added to the Not Another Blog Directory. Due to the amount of submissions, we cannot explain the reasons for each. Most likely it is due to one of the following:

• blog is listed more than once in the directory
• site is not a blog
• blog is offline
• blog is new (must contain 5 posts and be at least 7 days old due to excessive spammers submitting).
• site contains nudity
• site is a shill site intended to simply promote products/affiliates
• site construes something illegal If you believe your blog should be added, please contact us (be sure to mention what your blog URL is).

- Not Another Blog Directory Team

This, of course, hurt me deeply. In an effort to mask my pain, I fired off the following email:

Hello Not Another Blog Directory Team,

I don't care. Due to the amount of blog directories, I cannot explain the reasons for not caring about each. Most likely it is due to one of the following:

• Your blog directory differs in no meaningful way from the 17,000 other blog directories.
• Your blog directory contains too many other blogs. - Some of the other blogs suck.
• Your blog directory still has the price tag on it, and is wrapped in cellophane.
• Your blog directory uses a color scheme which reminds me of the wallpaper in my bedroom during 5th-7th grades. This was a difficult time for me. Thanks for bringing the memories flooding back.
• Your blog directory does not list my blog; ergo it sucks.
• You used the phrase "amount of submissions," when what you really mean is "number of submissions."
• Not a single blog about Jewish race car drivers.
• Tasteful nudity is what separates us from the animals.
  

If you believe I should care, please contact me (be sure to mention why I should care).

- Quasimofo "Team" (we haven't really been a team since we lost our power forward)

I'd give their real name and a link, but due to the amount of not caring on my part, I don't have the energy.