A Small Proposal

A lot of people ask me what, in my opinion, is the biggest problem facing the world today. I answer, without hesitation, "global warming." Why? Because I value a quick response over accuracy, that's why.

If I were given a little more time to think about it, I would probably say "overpopulation." Because think about it: If the population were a quarter of its current size, greenhouse gases could be cut to a quarter of their current levels, we'd have four times as much food per capita, and they would have to cancel Fear Factor because of the dropoff in viewership.

So, you ask me, how do you reduce the size of the world's population by 75%? The answer is simple: We assemble the earth's brightest minds in one place and assign them a single task: to genetically engineer smaller people.

If this doesn't immediately strike you as a good idea, just imagine how much better the world would be if we were all a quarter of our current size. Consider, for a moment, how impressive the world's largest ball of twine would be. That's right, it would be sixteen times as impressive. Wait, you object, don't you mean four times as impressive? No, intrepid reader, I do not. For as you may recall from high school calculus, as one's height decreases arithmetically, one's susceptibility to being impressed by mundane objects increases geometrically, making that one seriously impressive ball of twine. And holy crap, don't get me started on the pyramids, because they are freaking huge already. Speaking of which, why don't they put the big ball of twine in front of the Sphynx, so it looks like a big cat toy? OMG that would be SO cute!!!

Anyway, let's move on to the part where you say, "Ok, that does sound like a good idea. But is it technologically feasible?" To this I respond: Did John F. Kennedy pause to ask whether his plan was technologically feasible before committing 400 American "advisors" in an unwinnable conflict in Southeast Asia? No sir, he did not! And yet, JFK is revered as a hero for his exploits as captain of PT-109, demonstrating that if you have to go on a trip with a Kennedy, the surest way to avoid drowning is, ironically, to travel by boat.

You may object that there are logistical challenges to reducing the size of the population of the entire world by 75% simultaneously (my understanding of genetic engineering is that it works something like sorcery). I am way ahead of you on this one, which is why my plan is to shrink the population one geographic region at a time, starting, of course, with the Middle East. Now I'm aware the "Middle East" is a somewhat nebulous term, but I believe it can be roughly defined as the region between Europe and Asia whose geology is characterized by layers of shale and petroleum deposits, covered by a layer of sand, and topped off by a layer of crazy people who want to kill me. This combination of strategic importance and collective insanity make the Middle East a prime candidate for shrinkage. And if something goes horribly wrong, hey, dibs on the free oil!

Any questions?