Just Give Me a Sign

I have a confession to make. Most of the stuff on my MySpace profile is lies. I wasn't really born on another planet, those aren't my favorite TV shows, and the movies I listed were selected purely for their metallurgical properties. I really am a Taurus, though, which explains all the bullshit.

I debated whether I should display my zodiacal sign, because I don't really buy into that stuff (Tauruses as a rule are skeptical about astrology). In my case the profile does fit, though: I'm stubborn and opinionated, and I spend a lot of time charging full speed at colorful objects that are dangled in front of me only to be jerked away at the last second. I don't make a lot of make a lot of major decisions based on my horoscope, although I did buy a Ford Taurus once, which turned out to be a big mistake. So was my Ford Bronco II. Ford loves naming vehicles after temperamental animals. Maybe if they came out with the Ford Labrador, people would start buying their cars again.

There definitely should be more cars named after signs of the zodiac. (There was the Dodge Aries, of course, but that name was wasted on a car that Chrysler, in a moment of marketing genius, had already named after the letter K.) I know I would jump at the chance to own a Toyota Saggitarius or an Oldsmobile Cancer. Actually, GM doesn't make Oldsmobiles any more, do they? I wonder why not. Most companies would kill for a brand that suggests the product is outdated as soon as it's rolled off the assembly line. As if to indicate that the division was in on its last legs, in the mid-80s GM came out with the Oldsmobile Omega, the most ominous sounding car name since the AMC Death Knell.

I don't actually know anything about cars, of course, and like most people I fill the gap in my knowledge with fear and superstition. This is why automobiles and astrology are such a perfect fit. Why stand on the side of the road with your hood up acting like you're trying to figure out if the fetzer valve is properly connected to the flux capacitor, when you could just blame the problem on the alignment of the planets and wait for a towtruck? Speaking of which, I should go call my mechanic, because my Saturn is in retrograde again.